09 December 2016

Dear Fiat, here are four signs a relationship is over

Saying goodbye to Lancia

It's probably fair to say that the vast majority of people have been in a relationship that lasted much longer than it should have. I've been in a few and I've gone to the effort of highlighting four common traits that these kind of relationships tend to be characterised by. 



1. You and your partner don't respect each other as individuals


When you saw that Lancia was drifting away from you, instead of doing everything in your power to make amends and truly work on the relationship you pussied out and let her jump into bed with Chrysler and taint the family name.



2. Your partner stuck and unable to grow


Worse than that; your partner is stuck in a crevice where she's slowly withering away. In her heyday of 1990 she was shipping just over 300,000 units. Now it's been reduced to a measly 61,000. In fact the only people that buy Lancias now are patriotic Italians who will never see any wrong. Trust me on this, my own grandad still insists that his 1997 Fiat Brava is the best car he ever owned despite the fact it literally set itself on fire.



3. You're not even nostalgic


Lancia was a true innovator. It was the first to sell a car with a monocoque, the first to offer a five-speed gearbox, the first to sell a road car with a V6 engine. The list goes on. You seem to have forgotten all this as well as its phenomenal racing pedigree.



4. You and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together


I'm almost crying just writing that last point.


The time has come to bite the bullet, man up and call the relationship off. At this stage I don't really care if you kill off the brand entirely or sell it on. You're clearly not willing to put in the effort and care that it deserves, and to quite frank it's a bit embarrassing.

P.S. I promise this is the first and last listicle I ever produce

by Nino Rosella